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Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait [23 Jun 2011|12:14am] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | "Damaged Goods" - La Dispute ] To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'" So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us. Oh, how they always wait for me. If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free. I feel so terrible. I feel so alone. I feel so undeserving. Why do these ghosts come haunt me? post comment

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling, [12 Jun 2011|10:10pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | "Such Small Hands" - La Dispute ] I think I saw you in my dreams you were Stitching up the seams on every broken promise That your body couldn't keep. I think I saw you in my sleep. I thought I heard the door open, oh no, I thought I heard the door open but I only heard it close. I thought I heard a plane crashing, but Now I think it was your passion snapping. I think you saw me confronting my fear, it Went up with a bottle and went down with the beer and I think you ought to stay away from here There are ghosts in the walls and they Crawl in your head through your ear. I think I saw you in my sleep, lover, I think I saw you in my dreams you were Stitching up the seams on every mangled promise That your body couldn't keep. I think I saw you in my sleep. So, heres another day without taking my depression meds. Maybe thats why I feel this way right now. But I won't give in easily, I want to finish carrying out this experient. Anyway, everything seems so fragile. Relationships, friendships, money, education. I fear that I may be slowly losing some people in my life but I know change is inevitable as I grow older. Perhaps I have some sort of peter pan complex. Never want to get older, want things to stay the same. Afraid of change. Change switches everything and one. God, I fucking miss him. It sorta brings me to tears during the space of time we don't talk. I love seeing his smile on skype, hearing his laughter. Especially miss his physical presence by my side, laying in bed and feeling the sensation of our flesh touch. Every text I receive from him that says "I miss you so much" makes my heart flutter. Friday should be better, a night we can spend together. <3 post comment

oh depression, [10 Jun 2011|11:01pm] [ mood | depressed ] you fucking bastard. You instantly know I didn't take my meds today, didn't you? Killing me slowly, piece by piece. If your going to do it, just take the whole. post comment

I know someday you'll be sleeping darling, [10 Jun 2011|10:19pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | "Nobody, Not Even The Rain" - La Dispute ] likely dreaming off the pain. I hope you'll me hear me in the streetlights humming, softly breathing out your name. I know that even with the seams stitched tightly Darling, scars will remain I say we scrape them from eachother, darling And let them wash off in the rain And when they run into the river Oh no, let the water not complain I swear that even with the distance slowly wearing out your name Your hands still catch the light the right way And our hearts still beat the same And our hearts still beat the same Its been a long time since I've written back in here. The influence to come back to you, my dear friend, I would have to thank Andrew for. Yes, the very same Andrew I wrote heartfelt entries about. The one I use to cry and want with every part of my being. Its funny how things change, just like the seasons every year. Like how last year that Winter was pretty could but, now this year it is oddly warm. Stupid example of a statement, I know. I turned 18 recently. (Like I said, amazing how things have changed.) I still live in JAFCO. If you don't know what that is its a Jewish adoption home. Quiet lovely infact, but I do dislike and become irritated with some of the rules n 'such. However this place has been more of a home and family to me then my own. One might find that sad but I find this a blessing of sorts. Peculiar but, comforting to me. Fulfilling. I guess I've always been the odd one with things. Heh. Well, I suppose I should express whats on my mind like I always use to do. You were always there for me Insanejournal, taking in my insanity. (-horrible joke.-) For starters, a bit before my birthday I broke it off with Matthew. I love him, and still do, but as I'm getting older and starting new changes in my life I need to open up and explore my options and surroundings. If fate is meant for us to be, it will happen. Otherwise it will not, till then I must walk my separate path. & make him walk his own. The decision was painful, terribly painful. I cried before and after telling him. I felt so dirty, ugly, cruel, and mean. This very day I still do. Especially since hes signing up for the Marines in September. With my best friend Tahj. When he told me, at first I didn't believe it. Then, on a visit, when I was with him in person I suddenly burst-ed into tears. Typical weak frannie, breaking down in front of the very same person she casted away. Uncontrollable tears, silent cries, quivering lips and body. A fucking mess. After I rid it of my system we talked, discussed Marine life, and how he'd visit me every time he was done. It brought me some temporarily relief and sanity. But I know once he leaves a part of me will feel dead and disgusted with myself. Atleast we'll write letters and stay connected in some shape of form. Another issue or something along those lines in my mind is this one person. His name his Erron. Pisces. Half black/White. Funny. Great smile. Sweet. Caring. Basically everything about him is perfect for me. & being around him feels amazing. I miss him everyday and I know the feeling his mutual vice versa. I dubbed him Sir Catfish, and he calls me Madame Catfish. <3 Unfortunately, there is one problem. Its something I don't mind more it scares me in the future not for me, but him. For now I won't reveal what this is, but all I know is alot of people are disapproving. Some people can't look past what he has if they were in my shoes. Me however, I can. I see into his heart and I swear to god, its the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld to hear. We're not dating yet, and its fine. I'm happy we're taking it slow but I'd love for him to be completely mine one day. <3 Thinking or being with him fills me with just, utter happiness. I always smile and laugh around him. Like everything is okay. The times we spent chilling with friends, at school, or with just each other at his house or elsewhere has been wonderful. I pray, and wish nothing goes terribly wrong. post comment

Hmph. [23 May 2010|01:16pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | "The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle" - A Day To Remember ] Since the last time I've updated I was place in the Miami Bridge. For the first month I had no internet whatsoever and then eventually I got what was called "Pass" time. Which means I'm aloud out for a certain amount of time, and than I have to go back on the highway to hell. I've used paper notebooks and Livejournal(http://ikero-chu.livejournal.com/) as means of expressing myself in writing while I haven't been able to use you my dear Insanejournal. Although I've used replacements, they still don't add up to how awesome you are Insanejournal. <3 Retarded way to think but eh. May 4th was our birthday; your 1st year being up and my 17th year being alive. My birthday day was sucky for the start, amazing in the middle, and horrible at the end of the day. Like a disgusting oreo cookie with icky cookies but amazing cream. Stupid analogy but stfu. Anyway right now I'm at my grandmas, listening to music and just overall relaxing. Going to get $15 from my bank account 'cause I lost my damn bus pass. Damn living far away in pedoville ghetto street. But tomorrow I'll see matthew, thats the bright side of everything. God, I love that boy so much. Its almost hard to believe. Not sure how he can deal with me when I go through my occasional spouts of depression or anger. I take it out on him almost all the time and I fucking hate myself afterward, because I never intend or want to hurt him. Hopefully when I'm 18 or in a few months it'll go away. If not theres medicine for Bi-polar I should have been taking. In a few weeks or so I'll be at this place called JAFCO. Its in Ft. Lauderdale, along the broward 2 bus route. So not too far from Pembroke Pines. The place is really really nice; big room of your own. bathroom. alot of opportunities. Just very strict on letting people go out but its a good place for temporarily. I really want to be able to see matthew on his birthday, which is ironically the same date was my grandmas. So I can just incorporate the two. Wewt. In two days its adams, franks, and james birthday. Unfortunately I won't get to celebrate it with them due to lack of time and the time I do have is going to be spent with Mi amor. Oh well, he comes before most. When hes gone I'll be so sad /: but atleast we'll be living together. and that just means the world to me. We both have to do what we have to do for now. post comment

asdfghjkl; [16 Mar 2010|06:29am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | AIR, CHILDREN ] Well, I’ve decided to re-write my journal entry here since I’ll have the laptop almost the whole day in school and because its probably better I pre-write it here than paste it on my journal and update it. ‘Cause I tried posting it up and it fucked up and never went up and all my awesome writing got deleted. So on pure spontaneous randomness I decided to bring my laptop to school, we have FCAT science for the 11lth graders anyway so it’ll give me something to occupy myself with when I’m finished. Anyway. The reason I haven’t really updated since I’ve left even though I’ve had the fully opportunity to update is due to: Laziness. Occupied with REAL friends, school, and matthew. & sometimes just not having the laptop in my possession when I feel the urge to write. Since I’ve been gone things were very bumpy at first and now they are just a little bit bumpy but easily enough to get by. School has been pretty alright and I’ve been doing my best to catch up with everyone and turn in any amount of work I can to make up. My grades are somewhat okay excluding the three F’s but I think I can raise them up pretty fast; just gotta study hard, participate more than usual, and just overall be there. Most of my teachers thought I committed suicide when I left which was a total wtf and a downer. THANKS GUYS D: But school has been alright; Cory isn’t there so I never have to deal with his shit. I’m glad. He’s been trying to continue talking to me lately but I just don’t reply when he texts me. So, my inspiration for writing this entry other than to update anybody whom reads this was after reading Matthew’s latest entry on live journal. His entries are always so well written, it makes me envious and inspires me to try to better my writing skills and grammar. Back onto the main topic is that like, his entry made me so glad yet it sadden me once more. Every time he cries I honestly just wish so much, so hard I could be by his side and wipe his tears and ask him what’s wrong. Like I use to when we lived together, slept together, ate together… I miss that so much, and what gives me hope about everything that’s going on is the thought that it won’t be too long until me and him can go on living our lives that way again. This time with no worries of the police, the government, my grandma. In a way I see it was my wolf’s rain “Paradise”. Distance makes the heart grow fonder (I think that’s how the quote goes.) so our distance apart can only make me and his bond so much stronger. That’s the brightest of the bright I can possibly see about this. Also he can focus of getting whatever needs to get done without me holding him down or being the reason he can’t go out and do it. Same with me, in a weird way. Ever since the day I left, I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night. The only night excluding was last night due to how weary and tired I was. Which was odd since I really didn’t do that much. Matthew told me his phone might be off…which made my heart drop a little but if anything he could text me via Textem.net with his MrTentacles account. The texts might not come as fast but its alright, one text knowing how he is and what not is better than none. Besides, I think I got really re-addicted to texting once more lol. & by not having the main person I get the phone to text to will make me stop texting Andrew and all those other people. If Matthew is reading this I want him to know that I love him so very much, words sometimes seriously just are not even enough to compare to the emotions I feel in my heart and soul and being. Everything of me is part of his. I’d do absolutely anything for him without even second thought. Nothing and no one could EVER possibly pull us away or even be considered a threat against our relationship simply because its so strong nothing can break it. I have faith in us. A deep, certain faith I’ve never felt before about any relationship or just anything in general, not even religion can compare. (: I love you matthew lee ciccone. You bring out the best in me. And…I just can’t wait to see you again and kiss your lips, because I miss the taste and feelings that linger afterwards. Well..I guess I could update more since I’m not even at school yet. -On the bus writing.- .__. Yesterday I hung out with Adam and Andrew(..not the group that made that “I MUST BE EMO” song.) It was pretty awesome; we walked from the school to 7-11, than to Andrew’s place. Played video games, messed around, talked, gave Adam a back massage, just fun-ness. Simple fun. Then we left to Munchies, ate and talked about stuff. Around 8ish we were waiting for the 99 bus and literally for like ALMOST THIRTY MINUTES all Adam and Andrew talked about literally was crap. Shit. XD I couldn’t really say anything so I just stayed quiet. I had nothing whatsoever to input into that discussion. I never talk about that. Its disgusting but I don’t mind listening to it. I lol hard. So we sat there and OMFG ADAM DID THE JERK INFRONT OF A RED LIGHT INFRONT OF THESE CARS. <3 It was beautiful. I already had mad respect for him. I have SUPER mad respect for him now. And Andrew and I bonded a lot that day as well. He was the normal Andrew that I remembered instead of the angry, annoyed one that I grown accustomed to. It was amazing. I had a lot of fun. The bus is at school so I must end this journal. Peace. <3 1 comment|post comment

goodbye [07 Mar 2010|04:07pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Nothing, the tetris theme? ] I don't really have too much time to update alot. and i have to go soon. I'm writing this because I dont know when the next time it will be untill I update this. Hopefully soon. Im a little scared. and i hope matt'ew will be okay. I love you so much Matthew, I know you'll be reading this. I love you with all my heart, soul, just...everything. post comment

I find the map and draw a straight line. [06 Mar 2010|09:16am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | "Set The Fire To The Third Bar" - Snow Patrol ft. Martha Wainwright ] Over rivers, farms, and state lines The distance from 'A' to where you'd be It's only finger-lengths that I see I touch the place where I'd find your face My finger in creases of distant dark places I hang my coat up in the first bar There is no peace that I've found so far The laughter penetrates my silence As drunken men find flaws in science Their words mostly noises Ghosts with just voices Your words in my memory Are like music to me I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground I, I pray that something picks me up And sets me down in your warm arms. This song is very beautiful. I love it. One of my favorites by Snow Patrol. Originally I was suppose to update yesterday within the evening. This page was up, all day and night basically. I knew what to write yet...I just didn't feel it. Didn't really feel anything really. That day was a really mellow day, not much went on. On the outside and in my head. Woke up late, around 1 pmish. Played WoW, talked to Austin(it was his birthday; hes 19 now.), added more songs to the play-list I've been working on for matt'ew and browsed around on FA. I really should start working on the other few trades I said I would but, I just haven't really felt too inspired to draw. Typical me I suppose.. Well, later we got ready to go out for dinner for his birthday, it would be at Ricky's so we could dress casual. Aya, chris, and a few other people surprised Austin with a brownie-ice cream cake which was sweet but I seriously think Aya needs to get off Austin's dick. He obviously trys to hint it to her and hes told her, in a nicer way of course, but shes such a stalker. Shes worse than how I use to be with Cory when I was 14, ugh. Part of me wanted to tell her that but, its not my place nor should I involve myself with other people's affairs. Anyway, Matthew and Brandon were gone almost the whole day, because they were packing up the stuff to go to Naples and all that. For most of the day I was just calm, mellow, but eventually I started feeling incredibly lonesome. I figured I might as well start getting use to that aching feeling since I'll be experiencing it alot soon. They came to Austin's to meet back up with us, and for some reason I started thinking alot. Deep in thought. Thinking about how I know Brandon doesn't really like me, and I'm not sure if its just exactly because hes basing me off of Matt'ew's exs. or just how I am. Maybe both. & it bothered me abit cause I like him, and sorta see him as a older brother. from thoughts starting with that lead to other thoughts; I felt like I wasn't good enough for Matt'ew, and I didn't deserve him. That, maybe I was selfish to do this, because not only would this whole experience hurt me, it'd hurt him just as much. I don't regret staying here at all, I enjoyed myself and never have felt so happy and at peace..just...how could I have been so selfish...? I felt like, maybe I cause some of the little arguments between Matt'ew and bran don, because that night when I didn't talk much at Ricky's there really wasn't any little arguing or anything like that. My whole mind just kept churning, telling me that maybe they'd all be better off when I was gone. On the car ride there and at during the beginning of the dinner I was close to crying, but I kept my composure. I didn't even really want to discuss what was on my mind despite Matt'ew's questioning, it didn't feel like the time nor place. It would of been wrong of me to do that at Austin's birthday, especially with his family. Or just in general on the date of a friend's birthday. Just,..no. The urge to cut myself once we got back to the house was kept in the back of my mind, but I didn't succumb to such. On the brighter side, later on I started feeling a little better. Some of Brandon's odd, somewhat kind in their own way, reactions to my unusual timid behavior made me feel abit better, and the food(I can't lie, rofl.), and, of course, Matt'ew's presence. [yummycheesecake<3] Eventually by the time we got to the car I was alright, not okay but alright enough to talk abit. Got back, layed in the bed with Matt'ew. Panda came over to wish Austin a happy birthday and to visit. I met alexis, and he got me the blood pouchs they sell at Hot topic. <3 Yay. They are so yummy and I do get a bit animalistic after I drink some of it. xD He left, everyone started to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep; my body just refuses to let me. No matter how hard I try I eventually just get only a few hours of sleep. I'm guessing the effects are noticeable since Matt'ew commented on the black and purple around my eyes. My body probably won't get good sleep for a while anyway. Couldn't sleep so I just talked with Austin for abit and once he slept, I just got on the laptop and played WoW for a while. I'm just a bar away from being level 16; when I was playing I was level 14. I put that laptop away and eventually fell into a conscious slumber; I was somewhat awoken by Matt'ew when he touched me and told me he loved me. He had a nightmare, and of course, I was there as always to comfort him. We cuddled, talked, snuggled, eventually made love. Talked some more, he told me what his nightmare was about, and his dreams/nightmares intrigue me. When I'm in them, usually something bad is happening to me. He stated it must be his concern and care for me, and maybe it is. After that I helped pick his acne, and some got in my eye, and there was alot of blood. I didn't mind though, even though I playfully exaggerated my reaction, I love him so stupid stuff like that wouldn't bother me. Its just cute his responses to my exaggerated reactions. <3 As I write this right now, hes asleep beside me. He was pretty tired. Earlier I looked up the main elements of his nightmare, and used a dream interpretation to see what they symbolized. Dance To dream that you are dancing, signifies freedom from any constraints and restrictions. Your life is balanced and in harmony. Dancing also represents frivolity, happiness, gracefulness, sensuality and sexual desires. If you are dancing with a partner, then it signifies intimacy and a union of the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself. If you are leading, then it indicates that you are in control of your personal life. It could also mean that you are being overly aggressive and assertive. To dream that you are attending or going to a dance, indicates a celebration and your attempts to achieve happiness. Consider the phrase the "dance of life" which suggests creation, ecstasy, and going with what life has to offer you. Masturbation To dream that you are masturbating, represents your unacknowledged and unexpressed sexual needs/desires. It may also indicate you need to take care of yourself in sensual or emotional ways which are not necessarily sexual. You may need to put forth a little more effort toward some relationship. To see others masturbating in your dreams, denotes your anxieties and concerns about your inhibitions. It may also be a reflection that something in your waking life is not as satisfying as it might be. Keep in mind that this dream may not necessarily represent sexual inhibitions or satisfaction, but may be analogous to some situation or relationship. Demons To see demons in your dream, represents ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to your better judgment. As a result, your physical and mental health may suffer. To dream that you are possessed by demons, indicates ultimate helplessness. Girlfriend To see your girlfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with her and how you feel about her. Stranger To see a stranger in your dream, symbolizes the part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Betrayal To dream that you have been betrayed, represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. To dream that someone has betrayed you, indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself. Interesting.. I wonder if sometimes Matt'ew thinks that I might end up leaving him for someone else or "taking" me away from him, like what happened with Cory. I bet he thinks about that and I can't blame him because I think I'd focus on that as well. But, I really do love him. I'm deeply in-love with Matt'ew and things ended up so horribly that way with Cory because our relationship itself was horrible. It would of ended dramatically and tragically any other way, just like the astrologers say about the Aries&Taurus couple; they either end trajically or end up getting married. Obviously it ended not well. and everything happens for a reason; I honestly believe I met Matt'ew because he was the one for me. I met him through Tahj, he has pretty much all the same likes and interests as me, his personality is just amazing. I love him for everything he is and everything he isn't. I'm ment to be a Ciccone I guess. <3 [I realized how gay that sounded, god.] But, I don't want anybody else. and I can't even see myself with anyone else. He has me, and theres no way he can lose me. Unless one or the other dies. Which would be horrible. ;-; that makes me sad now. Ugh. I should go now. I literally spent almost an hour on this entry; straight writing exactly on my mind and repeating this song over and over and over. I started writing at 9:16 AM, its almost 10 am. My typing is loud as well and Brandon is up, so I guess him and Matt'ew might be leaving soon. I hope I can come with them to help pack stuff but I doubt I'll be allowed. Today might just be another lonely day. Time to await my answer; peace. P.S. I find it absolutely cute how jealous Matt'ew gets when I go on ChatRoulette but if he were to be next to me and read the conversations I write, he'd be proud. (: Almost every single person I talk to I brag about him. and when I get those occasional pervs I tell them no, because my boyfriend would never approve and they'd have to deal with him, and than I turn the webcam to Matt'ew. <3 Heh... I'm also pretty curious for whatever this surprise Matt'ew has instore for me. Hmmm.... post comment

There was a time I was everything and nothing all in one. [04 Mar 2010|02:56pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | "Theres Something About The Way You Look Tonight" - Elton John ] When you found me I was feeling like a cloud across the sun I need to tell you How you light up every second of the day But in the moonlight You just shine like a beacon on the bay And I can't explain But it's something about the way you look tonight Takes my breath away It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside And I can't describe In an Elton John music mood, thing. I love his songs, such an amazing artist. <3 The line in this song that gets to me the most is: "With a smile you pull the deepest secrets from my heart. In all honesty, I'm speechless and I don't know where to start." Beautiful song. +^_^+ Well, i'm in a much better mood of sorts. Then yesterday or the day before. My time here is lengthened, at least until the day after tomorrow. Its almost to the 7th, and THAN I have to leave. and I'm starting to be at peace with that, and okay. It was tahj's birthday party yesterday. It was very nice, and it sorta shows you can have a good time at a party sober. Not ALOT of people were there but mainly most of of the "group" of tahj and matt'ew. Got to see Sisco which was pretty cool since the last time I saw him was like maybe 3 years ago. He looked good, and me and a few others had to hold him down so Mary could take a picture of him. xD Had a good time, good food. Talked to Jesse most of the time when I wasn't around Matt'ew. Yummy Cherry cigars. <3 Matt'ew was sorta off, I could tell, but I wanted to wait before I asked him. 'Cause knowing him he wouldn't tell me right there and then. Around 1 am everyone started leaving, and almost everyone went instantly to sleep the second we got back home. Except me and Matt'ew of course. When he said he was tired I could tell he wasn't, but I didn't want to bother him so I just laid in bed. For some reason I felt incredibly aggravated once we got back, and I wasn't really sure why I was. Guess it was from the stress. So I just laid on my side and stayed near the edge of the bed, so I wouldn't snap or be mean towards Matt'ew in any way, shape, or form. I just laid there, rigid. Couldn't sleep but I just wanted to lay there and feel nothing. When I do things like that I tend to focus on very simple things, and because I can analyze things very well I sorta make conclusions about stuff. Its weird, but I'm weird; makes sense. My choice of observation was Matt'ew's breathing that night; not sure why. [Once again, I'm weird.] Just by the way he breathes I can usually tell if hes asleep, awake, what hes feeling, or if hes crying. I noticed the change in his breathing that night; it went from steady, silent, normal to slightly heaving, deep, short. Inhaling air, holding it, exhaling deeply, stopping, repeat. Compassion instantly just washed over me, I knew something was wrong. & he was crying. ;-; We just talked that night, via txt at first on his phone, about what was on his mind. Some of those things I knew and the others I didn't. I'm glad he told me what was on his mind and bothering him. <3 Then we just talkeda bout both of our situations. I hope it helped him feel better. and I won't go to New York. I refuse. Even if I do, I'll talk to him everyday. Phone, messenger, web cam, etc. I'll make trips down there just to see him and him only. No one else can replace him. But, I highly doubt I'd end up there. I hope the playlist I made him, he'll love it. <3 Well. I'm sorta bored right now. I want to go out and do stuff. -sigh.- /: Oh well. Peace. & in the end we'll escape together. 1 comment|post comment

It's been, it's been, it's been, it's been [03 Mar 2010|06:35pm] [ mood | predatory ] [ music | "Stuttering" - Ben's Brother ] su-su-such a long time, long time, long time since anybody touched me, touched me, touched me the way that you touch me So if I stutter, stutter, stutter and I feel so so so unsexy so maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut at least until you kiss me So kiss me again Cause only you can stop this stut-stut-stut-stuttering Kiss me again And ease my su-su su-su su-su s-su-s-suffering Mood, sorta. Still very distressed. I found out I have to leave either: tonight or tomorrow morning. It'll have to be postponed for a day though because if I turn myself in, I'll be stuck in the police depot. since my grandma and sister are going to Ft.Myers for the whole day. To look at the college there. -Sigh.- I'm still deathly scared at what awaits me. Yet I'm bracing myself for the worst. I can't even really write right now to be honest. I feel sorta frozen yet I can move. -sigh.- I smell beer. I need to smoke something. post comment

Catch me as I fall, [02 Mar 2010|03:18pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | "Whisper" Evanescence ] Say you're here and it's all over now Speaking to the atmosphere No one's here and I fall into myself This truth drives me Into madness I know I can stop the pain If I will it all away. Don't turn away (Don't give in to the pain) Don't try to hide (Though they're screaming your name) Don't close your eyes (God knows what lies behind them) Don't turn out the light (Never sleep never die) I'm frightened by what I see But somehow I know That there's much more to come Immobilized by my fear And soon to be Blinded by tears I can stop the pain If I will it all away Song matches my mood at the moment, and the past few hours. I know its quiet early for an update already but...I just need to vent. Without troubling anyway or juts quiet speaking about it frankly. Straight to the point: Since panda put my 'special' flyer as his desktop on his laptop his sister found it. His sister let his mom and rest of the family know about it. So my days are shortened, to a great length. (at-least in my book.) So instead of leaving the 7th, its much earlier; probably the day after the 3rd or the 5th. /: My heart dropped so fast as soon as I heard that news. Its still stuck, not going back up. A great amount of anxiety and fear came in a rush like a wave, and now, a bit of depression. I'm stressed out beyond belief; and my tone of voice doesn't really hide it well at all. Going to try to remain calm on the surface because I don't want to bring in too much attention. Too much is bad. Especially right now. I took a shower after too many thoughts were stabbing my brain, eating it up like insects. I cried a little in the shower, which helped relieve some inner pain but not all. While I was in the shower I kept thinking, different thoughts than earlier but thoughts that irked me enough. I was sickened about the fact after all the things that have happened I still wanted to cut myself. That I wanted the satisfaction of putting the blade to my body, piercing through skin, and watching myself bleed. So that at least I could control the amount of pain that was put against me. Also if I'm stuck being placed back in that household with my grandma it'll just kill me more and more inside, than it did before. For they'll place their guilt, their shame on me. Hold me place and question me non-stop, talking about how I'm a whore and I'm worthless. Why is it they think I'm such a horrible person? Christ, I'm only human I make mistakes. Especially teenagers make mistakes, can't they be forgotten and let me be forgiven? I was young, I was stupid. & It was only sex. Can't anyone in that side of the family tell me how proud they are? Because I didn't end up a drug addict, a whore, a alcoholic, dead. That I'm pretty smart for someone with my disability. That somehow I resurfaced somewhat okay from my past with my parents and the death of my mother. Isn't the violations that have continuously been placed on my body been enough as well? Don't get me wrong, I'm not quiet exactly bitching about the wrongs that have placed in my life. Because maybe I deserve them.. Either way, I just want the shitty past to be over with and to stop haunting me, pulling me back. I just want to break through and live my life, NOW. Without the control of the government and shitty guardians who don't honestly give a fuck about you. I've disappointed a couple of people. and I take slight comfort in Andrew's mild concern about the happening. although I know that Cory would take great pride and joy in this, everything falling down upon me. He'd be pissing on my grave if I died. Which I don't care that much. I just wished things could of ended much more peacefully and non-dramatic, but I've always known it would end or begin dramatically. Oh well. Past in the past. and I hope it stays that way. post comment

I found my place in the world [02 Mar 2010|08:44am] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | "Smother Me" - The Used ] Could stare at your face for the rest of my days Now I can breathe, turn my insides out and Smother me Warm and alive I'm all over you would you smother me? Let me be the one who never leaves You all alone I hold my breath and lose the feeling That I'm on my own Hold me too tight stay by my side and let me be the one who calls you Baby all the time <3 I woke up early today, around 8 am. Its 9:50 AM right now. I'm not sure why my body isn't allowing me the sufficient amount of sleep I need. Maybe my body doesn't want me to sleep much. Oh well, doesn't matter. Atleast for the moment anyway. I read Matt'ew's journal last night, it saddended me. I'm scared about when I leave as well, for the fear of I may not know whats going to happen and that I won't wake up next to him anymore. & I don't know whens the next time I'll see him again even though I know it shouldn't be THAT long but still. His presence brings me comfort, security, bliss, hope. Last night he reminded me how it's literally been a month, as of today, of us living together. Most couples can't overcome that apparently, which made me smile. We overcame that hurtle easily. Just that little fact, assures me slightly that if we could overcome that, than this isn't impossible. It might be hard, especially for the first week or two. But we're strong; we'll make it through. The few thoughts that give me comfort and ease my worried mind about that whole situation is that I'm 16 and 8 months old. Sure, that sounded childish counting my age by months right now. 4 months and a year I'll be 18. Once I'm 18, I'm free. & once I'm free, things can be like they are now. (not exactly the same, but very similar.<3) Honestly, I don't doubt us not being together by that time. I love him with all my heart, and that love won't fade away. & the day I'm finally allowed, honored enough to have Ciccone replace my current last name, I'll be the most happiest in my life. (: The future seems very bleak for the next few months but I know its going to get brighter, better. I've already planned out some of the things I'm going to do, or have to do to get back on track. For example - School; if for some reason I actually did fail Junior year, than I'll take summer school & online classes. if that doesn't pass me directly onto my senior year and just ends up being a waste of time then I'll drop out, get my GED, and get a head start early on my massage therapist license. Oddly enough I don't care too much about my old friends in the 'past' at Krop, I selfishly want to get started on building my life and not giving too much of a damn about others. Maybe thats what getting older is; focusing on yourself to get ahead. Focusing only on a few people who are important to you and casting most of the others aside. I'm not trying to seem self-centered, not caring too much as I use to about my old friends. I just grew up; I'm tired of the High-school scene of life and I'm already reaching towards being an adult and wanting to attend college. I've matured alot as well since I've been here; 15 - 16 - 17 year olds humor or dramatic situations don't amuse me. Besides, when I don't even tell people my age most presume I'm atleast 18. Brandon just left the house and Matt'ews still sleeping. In a little bit I'm going to make him breakfast as a surprise. I just want to make sure I have good timing so his food doesn't get cold, and that I will actually be able to wake him up. xD Also I want to avoid Joe at all costs; he still scares me. Fucking hate being yelled at for stupid reasons. -___-' Another thing is I don't know what me and matt'ew could do today. x_____x No Money + No Car = Difficulty in deciding anything fun to do. Maybe we could go to a park, but a park with swings! Because I love swings, and some of the must peculiar of conversations can come from swinging on a swing set. At least from my experience with that. [: Maybe we can play video games for a bit or something, I did want to try assassians Creed 2. Or, we can hang out with his cousin Nyki. +^_^+ Grr, hard decisions D: Would be easier if he knew what he wanted to do as well. A wash definitely needs to be done today though; so I think I'll just get right on it right now. Peace. post comment

With every passing day, [01 Mar 2010|09:04pm] [ mood | exanimate ] [ music | "With every passing day" - Emilie Autumn ] I close my eyes and say: Here it comes, that happy ending, Sending me on my way." It's just a game I play, Dreaming my life away. Though I know my day is passing, With every passing day. Daydreams that fly so far, Melt all my fears away. Though I know my day is passing, With every passing day. Today was pretty fun, in a productive way. Woke up to the sight of tahjie.<3 Lawls. :D everyone needs a good dosage of Tahj in the morning. Him and brandon returned from they're trip. Anyway, Matt'ew talked about something with one of his ex's. It got to me. Not his fault, its mine. My emotions just..get too jealous for no reason. Besides, whats in the past stays in the past. hopefully. Eventually got over it; tahj, me, matt'ew, victor, and joe cleaned the house. Since Austin's and Victor's grandparents are returning around the 15th, so it was a good idea to do it. Joe does scare me abit though. He has yelled alot, especially today. I'm guessing he is in a bad mood of some sorts, so I won't take too much offense personally to it. Just ugh, his attitude made me want to punch him in the face though. Well, less see. Spent a good percent of the day with Panda. Ate his mommy's yummy cooking. <3 Went around with him wherever he drove around. Picked up his sister, went to Austin's, went to the oriental market. [Yummyyummy peanutbutter mochi, pockies, coconut milk. <3 omnomnomnom. teehee. -^_^-] Picked up tahjie's stuff and dropped him off and than Panda went home. Today was pretty alright, tried new foods. I love trying new foods. <3 especially Hispanic and asian shtuffs. Omnomnomnom. I'ma try to make this: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Mochi & http://www.wikihow.com/Cook-White-Rice-Peruvian-Style MochiMochiMochi. <3 Hmm. |: -sigh.- ... I kinda hate when Matt'ew plays WoW sometimes. I'm not too sure why cause I mean fuck, I like to play it as well. and i'm not going to be a bitch and ask him to get off since him playing WoW alot is who he is and I love him for who he is. I don't plan on changing him. and besides, even if I got him off of Wow, it'd be awkward and boring. because there really isn't much to do anyway.. .... Peace. 2 comments|post comment

Imagine there's no heaven, [01 Mar 2010|12:18am] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | "Imagine" - A Perfect Circle ] It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine all the people living for today... Imagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too, Imagine all the people living life in peace... You may say Im a dreamer, but Im not the only one, I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will be as one. For some reason, this cover of the song by A Perfect Circle actually gets to me more than the original by John Lennon. It guess its the power and tone in Maynard James Keenan's voice. [-one of my most favorite singers, ever.-] Embarrassingly and almost sickeningly enough it kinda makes me want to cry. Just a little bit. A tiny, itty, itty bitty bit. Yes, I know I probably just picked one of the most over-used songs ever. But I was in the mood for it, probably because of being at the Hard rock. It was a friend's mom's birthday; her fiance took us out to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe. [had to wear a dress & those devil heels, but it was worth seeing Matt'ew dressed up again. <3 ] God, I love that place. It has to be one of the very few places I actually love to go out to eat at. The food is very nice, expensive but its high priced because they're foods cause mouth orgasms. -Drool,guzzle,gurgle,gargle,choke.- I ordered the Wild Berry Smoothie and the grilled Hawaiian chicken. BEST CHOICE EVERR. UGH GOD IT WAS AMAZING. ;-; -letear.- Matt'ew, Gavin, and Austin ordered the S.O.B Burger. It was suppose to be spicy, instead it was just disappointing, Maybe thats why they call it the S.O.B Burger, it just makes you sob tears of disappointment and dissatisfaction. S.O.B. = SELL ODIOUS BURGERS. Rofl. Its true. <3 Ate abit of their brownie ice cream dessert thing, which was fucking fantastic as well. Ugh, it was amazing. [Dispite the MILLIONS OF FUCKING SHOUT OUTS @ THE RESTURANT. DURR LETS BE LOUD AND ANNOYING. LETS ANNOUNCE SHIT NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT AND NOT LET PEOPLE ENJOY THEY'RE FUCKING FOOD. DURRHURR. it wasn't that bad though, I'm exaggerating but it was bit bothersome.] After we left we got to keep the glasses. YAY! <3 HURRICANE CUP. +^_^+ While walking to the car Matt'ew said something about me looking or acting like a freak, something along those lines, so I started saying out loud in a crazy whiny way "IM NOT A FREAK, IM NOT A FREEEEAAAAAKKKK." LMFAO. it was hilarious. xD So lets see, what else should I update you on. Oh, last night was beautiful. In a touching, romantic, passionately loving way. Me and Matt'ew didn't get to sleep until 9 AM-ish, and I woke up around 3 PM. Every moment we spend together is wonderful, he really does make me happy. Got to finish up one of my few trades I did with fellow FA artits, got like 4 or 5 more to go. The ones that are kinda the most pain in the ass are the MS Paint requests, which I have like one more to do. It'll be harder since this person whats their trade art piece in anthro form, a suicine. Ugh, its gonna be hard but I'll try my best. I might get started on it after I'm done writing here or tomorrow. Each drawing takes about 1 - 2 - 3, maybe 4 hours. Oyy. Atleast this will improve my artsy skills. Gosh, I feel so stupid from the art I did today. This person's fursona was a PIG but I thought it was a bunny/rabbit so I drew a rabbit. He liked it anyway but still, I felt like an stupid ass as I was corrected. xD; Guess I gotta double check next time I'm sorta unsure about someone's fursona species. FUU, I really wanna go to megaplex or any furry conventions coming up. That'd be epic. <3 I'd love to meet moar local furries. Gawd I'm such a furfag. Sooo I didn't get to meet his dad but thats alright, hopefully I'll see him soon before I leave. I'd like that alot. :3 Burr..its cold. I'ma head out, update back whenever I can. Peace. post comment

Do, Do, Do, Do, Do, Do, Do. [28 Feb 2010|02:25am] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | "I Was Made For Loving You Baby" - KISS ] Tonight I wanna give it all to you In the darkness There's so much I wanna do And tonight I wanna lay it at your feet 'Cause girl, I was made for you And girl, you were made for me I was made for lovin' you baby You were made for lovin' me And I can't get enough of you baby Can you get enough of me That was one, of the few, songs Matt'ew dedicates to me. <3 haha. So in his honor I'm playing this song while I update you journal. (: Also, its a pretty catchy song. Well, I took a shower after I finished writing. Felt better, alot better. a little later on I felt bad again because of 'esteem issues but that's my problem. No one elses fault. My 'relative didn't end up visiting me which I was sorta glad. Wasn't quiet ready to see her anyway, besides they want to see me tomorrow. Maybe they will. If they catch me on time that is. Apparently tomorrow Matt'ew is taking me with him when he goes to see his dad. I'm glad, I like meeting parents. and it matters to me what parents think, especially in the beginning. I always try to leave a good impression, which I usually do. ^___^ Well, whatever happens, happens. Speaking of Matt'ew, I don't know why he always thinks that he doesn't make me happy.. he does, alot more than most people can. I'm just a normal human being, I feel different emotions. I mean, sometimes he does do something that might pull a nerve, but only slightly. & its not even a big enough of a deal to bring up so I just ignore it and everything's alright eventually. <3 "Like A Star" by Corrinne Bailey makes me think of him. Anyway. I've been a browsin' FA alot. God that site is full of epic furry awesomeness. AWESOMENESS I SAY. SAYYYYYYY. -cough.- So yeah. Now I decided to make a FA form account, maybe I'll befreind moar users. Do trades, requests, and maybe one day comissions. I really want to start getting back into drawing and improving my artsy skills. I want to be the very bessttt, that no one ever was. *DO DO DO* [If you sang that in your head exactly to the tone of the pokemon theme song, I declare you a fag :D <3 ] Random time: god, I love the smell of the men's Vaseline lotion. Its orgasmic. <3 KANGAROO PENIS. omfg. I really wanna try the hybrid toy from the Bad-Dragon website. <3 It looks really good. ugh. <3 Time to finish up my FA account. Peace. post comment

What's coming through is alive. [27 Feb 2010|02:21pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | "H." - Tool ] What's holding up is a mirror. But what's singing songs is a snake Looking to turn this piss to wine. They're both totally void of hate, But killing me just the same. The snake behind me hisses What my damage could have been. My blood before me begs me Open up my heart again. And I feel this coming over like a storm again. Considerately. Woke up an hour or so ago. I have this feeling today isn't going to be too good of a day. Considering the surprise phone call from yesterday and this morning's antics that led to my mood thus far. Not too sure whats happening today, probably more computer shit and I might meet up with this surprise person, shes a relative. I'm just feeling incredibly annoyed, aggravated, and a bit mad. I guess the term for that would be..bitchy? -Sigh.- This must be normal, positive. The best thing for me would be just to relax, take a shower or something. "Clean" myself of these emotions and hopefully be in a better mood. If I'm not, than oh well. I'll just..segregate myself I guess. Go in the other room or something. ..... -sigh.- Well..lets see what I could write for now. [while matt'ew s in the shower.] once again, not much amazing happend after the last update. I cooked dinner, it came out pretty awesome. Got the surprise call, had a mini fucking heart attack. Played WoW w/ Matt'ew, finally am able to get a pet on my hunter. Play argued with Gavin intesnely. We all talked with Austin. Got a back, neck, and chest massage from matt'ew. Gave a back massage to him. Did stuff. Slept. Woke up, knocked his glasses over. and he thought I did something else which just instantly annoyed me. Urgh. -____- Okay, not talking about it. Otherwise i'll think about it too much, focus on it, and be annoyed the whole day. -searches for something random to post up.- Ugh, I love that picture. and that artist. I found her/him off of furaffinity, and I'm just in fucking love with that morbid style. Theres something about it that just appeals to me. Its beautiful in a disturbing way. Its ugly in a enticing form, graceful in its own way. ^_^; I'll still always be forever favorably in love with this picture he/she drew: I swear, I'll get a tattoo of that on my back. WITH ALL THE COLORS. It'd hurt like a bitch but it would be so worth it. I think hes out of the shower, so I can go now. PEACE. post comment

Go back to sleep. [26 Feb 2010|08:02pm] [ mood | Mellowish ] [ music | "Count The Bodies Like Sheep To The Rhythm Of The War Drums" - A Perfect Circle ] Step away from the window Go back to sleep Safe from pain and truth and choice And other poison devils See, they don't give a fuck about you, Like I do. Count the bodies like sheep, like sheep.. Count the bodies like sheep, like sheep.. Counting bodies like sheep, to the rhythm of the war drums. Yeppers, I'm a liar and never updated. Well, I was busy. Like I said, I have a life. [sorta] Afterwards from where I last updated we went back to the 'crib; me and matt'ew continued playing WoW. Around 11 PMish me, matt'ew, and brandon went to the play Pool at the Pool place nearby for a couple of hours. They were worried about austin, as was I of course, but I had a feeling he was alright. & if anything he was probably with his girlfriend. [inwhich I was right.] Coming back to the place again me and Matt'ew stayed up till 7:30 amish playing WoW. My hunter is now a LVL. 13 and his newnew priest blood elf is 11, 12. He trolled me hard earlier that day, pretending to be some newb hitting on me. ;__; I felt like a dumbass. He had me playing along for like, an hour or so. Epic fail on my part indeed. Today is...quiet. Not much really going on. Brandon left for the weekend so Gavin is sleeping over. Yayy~ also that means we get the bed for now. WOOHOO. I'm currently using the family's other laptop. Its actually a pretty nice laptop; small, LONG ASS battery power, a bit averagely or above average in internet speed. I love the way the key's tap under my fingers. Not sure why. I'm sorta weird like that. At the moment I'm just bored really. Updated my FA, Myfursona, Facebook,The Furry Forums, Formspring. All that old, fun stuff. Sorta. Charlie[A dog btw.] is by my side. Mm, dog warmth. <3 Oh, I'm cooking tongight. Breaded boneless chicken breasts with rice and negro beans. yes, i know I was suppose to make it yesterday but it didn't happen. So today it'll happen. Later on i'll look up different ways to make skirt steaks, that way the day I make them for us they will be tasty-ness. [: -Sigh.- Peace. post comment

God and Death are none of my concern, [25 Feb 2010|04:47pm] [ mood | Fuckyeahh ] [ music | "Baby Girl, I'm A Blur" - Say Anything ] I'm no philosopher. Deep in your heart stitched the key, and only one can set me free. From the beast where I dwell and let the saints all burn in hell. Here again, at BCC. Only this time for a shorter amount of time of course. Short class today, and they are presenting they're project. They = Austin, Brandon, Matt'ew, Some girl in their class. I wish them luck. (o.o)b Anyway, yes I lied once more. I didn't update like I said I was suppose to. Oh, woe is me. -Sarcasm.- Not like I totally have a life or anything of that sort. But not too much happened that day anyway. Nothing exciting at the least. After I updated I wrote a poem called [x]They[x] and the group got out of class early. Went shopping for groceries at "Food Town", and I fell in love with Red Bean Ice cream. Looked like that basically,& god am I so infatuated with it/ My favorite flavor, next to Vanilla bean, Pistachio, Cherry Garcia, and Green tea. I now so badly am on the hunt to try anything that has red bean paste or the actual bean inside or out of it. <3<3 Omnomnom goal. Another random picture time. Why? No fucking reason. Thats why its called random, bitch. (I love tobixdeidara. no particular reason really.) Speaking of random things. Yesterday, from a CNBC youtube video I watched today, a killer whale drowned it's trainer in the seaworld in Orlando. I couldn't tell it that was just tragically horrifying or epically fuckyeah awesome. I'll call it: Epically horrifiesome. [Fuck you. Don't judge me.] Re-started and checked my Formspring.me account, played WoW with Matt'ew. Ate the last red bean milk bar. </3 -tear.- Later on today I guess I'll be cooking, something simple. Breaded boneless chicken breasts w/ rice 'n negro beans. Done for now. I'll update later. Or i'll try. Peace. post comment

I remember it vividly, love. [24 Feb 2010|06:50pm] [ mood | Amused ] [ music | "Shiksa(Girlfriend)" - Say Anything ] I’ve been walking erect since the moment we met And I caught your eyes to my surprise Hebraic neuroses ceased to be An angel’s conversing with me The new attractive to me is divine And even if your friends don’t understand No matter what, I’ll always be your man Forgot to update again, forgive me? I hope? I suppose? Whatever, doesn't matter. Well yesterday was pretty fun, pretty "'ight". Andrew took the buses and we met at the central campus. [where I am now btw, and will be untill 9 - 9:30 pm.] He came in his JROTC uniform which was awesome, I love that uniform to death. <3 I'd kill for one especially if it looked fuckin' fantastic on me. -Uniform/Dressed up fetish.- We talked abit, apparently he had the same password on facebook as I did, and than he met Matt'ew and the rest of the homiesss. They all liked him, which was good. Matt'ew and him connected, which was greater. It felt nice. I'm sorta hoping he'll come back down again to chill with me and Matt'ew before my leave. He could bring danielle too. We(as in me and Matt'ew) walked him to the bus stop and from there we just talked, nostalgic discussion basically. Matt'ew learned a little bit about me while Andrew just seemed much more open. After the bus picked up Andrew,the kangaroo-tentacle-monstah & I talked about stuff concerning Andrew. Mainly my past tied with him 'n such. Aya was cooking dinner, I played Little big planet with Matt'ew, and than later that night we play wrestled/tickled with Brandon. Which was nice, I love rough play. I guess its the masculine part of me? I do feel bad for Chuck Norris kicking Matt'ew in the chest a couple of times xD;; It was just instinct. I'm hoping his chest is alright. o___o; Something amazing, in a weird sorta amazing yet touching way, happened. It touched my heart, yet I feel bad because I do feel like I must of initiated it somehow. Matt'ew was crying. Crying because he was thinking about all the bad things that could happen, how I could leave. and I don't want him to worry about that..I don't want my burdens to be shoved onto his back. I love him too much for that, and I know that I'll never leave him, especially willingly. That night when we did 'stuff', it felt so passionate. Almost as completely passionate as the first time and night we did those things. It was beautiful. <3 I'll update again later tonight about today. For now, its time to play WoW so I can level up my new character: LeikMudkipz. Lawwwl. p.s. i can't wait for the day. when i can be honored enough to have ciccone as a part of my name. (: LyublyU tebyA vsem sErtsem, vsEy dushOyu[Люблю тебя всем сердцем, всей душою] post comment

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side [23 Feb 2010|12:21am] [ mood | Cold(Temperature Wise.) ] [ music | "Meet Me Halfway" - Black Eyed Peas ] Just you and I, just you and I. I will fly, fly the skies, for you and I, for you and I. I will try, until I die, for you and I, for you and I, for for for you and I, For for for you and I, for for you and I, for you and I. Can you meet me halfway? This song from them is really nice, even if its not quiet exactly what I'm feeling. But the rhythm, beat, and singing is very catchy. I remember when this song was playing at the Hard Rock when we were at the Tequila Ranch restaurant. For the re-do Valentines date. Well, today was very nice. In a chill, not too exciting way. Just a homey way. [no gangstur terms applied.] Woke up next to Matt'ew, which starts everyday wonderfully. <3 [Type 2 diabetessssss] Cooked pasta, made him a sammich, eggs 'n bacon, and watched him eat cereal. :c Talked to basha bit, talked to andres a bit, talked to Andrew a sorta alot. Apparently he is gonna come over tomorrow, or Wednesday. That'll be nice actually, he'll get to meet the boyfriend and we'll have a gamers day? Omfg, that'd be so funny if they ended up having a "bromance" xDDD Jeebus chryst. PHILIPNOS HAB SOLS. [Thats from glowpinkstah on youtube.] Ugh, i'm so cold right now. Damn air conditioning..normally my body is very warm. Like a heater..a warm, fleshy, cuddly heater.. I want to be warm ;-; I wish i had chicken. LEEROY JEEENNKIINNSS. ...Randomness. "*-...Evil Angel...-* says (12:33 AM): its a lil irritating wen people do that i kno but im saying dont go off into the nxt rm and fuck or someshit while im there *-...Evil Angel...-* says (12:34 AM): cuz thats fkkkkkkk iKero-chu™ says (12:34 AM): LMFAO. Hell no, that won't happen. iKero-chu™ says (12:35 AM): we have a time and place for stuff like that. we know better xD" That made me lol abit hard. (: I'm pretty content at the moment. Hmm. Its almost scary how content. Oh well. I wish I could of gone out today and done something, like a car adventure or even just a walk. But its alright, maybe tomorrow it'll be ubber fun. If not I'll be okay. I'm just happy to be away. far away. Mmm, I love the smell of the Vaseline lotion I used to rub Matt'ews back today. Manly man cologne smell > Girly perfume. Hm, guess I'm done for now since all that I'm writing is pure nonsensical idiocy coming from my mouth to the keyboard on the journal. Huh. Peace. post comment

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